Xebra

First and foremost i would like to shamelessly promote my new band Breakfast. Our first show is Friday at 222 Ormsby in Pittsburgh. Unlike the shitty bands we review, my band is going to kick down some proverbial doors tomorrow night. We are opening for Elway, who is a pretty sweet. John Elway threatened to sue them which is really funny. It is going to be a wonderful time for all in attendance.

Now lets get to business. Xebra does not know how to spell. I think they were going for zebra, which for those who do not know, is a mammal that lives in Africa. Xebra appears to be an animal that looks like douche bags and is native to Tallahassee. The E.P. is entitled ANIMALPRACTICE. I guess that must have something to do with xebras or zebras or douche bags or whatever.

The first song is almost 8 minutes of assorted noise. Nothing happens for the first five minutes than they speed it up and try to go into something that resembles melody. It sounded pretty cool for about 20 seconds then they hit bad notes and introduced stupid electronic noises. It is all instrumental and really annoying. This hardly constitutes music. It is somewhere between noise and ambient music.

The second song is titled "In the Park (punk)" and as they luckily pointed out for I would have never guessed, is a punk song. Surprisingly a pretty good song. Granted, vocals are blown out and kind of hard to listen to, but we will ignore that for the sake of this review. This song reminds me of Joyce Manor a little bit. It starts pretty fast and has a long half time, breakdown part at the end.

The third song sucks. Xebra decided to switch the sound from noise to punk to some kind of shitty Jet cover band or something like that. It has a lot of crappy guitar solos and the singer keeps talking bout the ladies.

The forth song starts off like a Vampire Weekend song, but the crappy vocals come in and it sounds like a shitty Doors live recording. The song has a classic blusey rock feel with spaced out vocals.

I take what I said about last song starting like Vampire Weekend. This song really does. It is kind of quirky. The singer isn't doing the spaced out thing, he is much more toned down and it is dramatically better. There is some keys and blusey guitar parts so once again it has the doors thing going on.

Overall the band is a Doors rip-off with some Jet and Vampire Weekend influences. If that last sentence described a band you want to listen to; you are a dildo. Xebra is real unorganized. Sometimes they make music, other times they do not. The constant switch of genres is annoying. I really wanted to compare them to a zebra but it is not just black and white here with Xebra.

Xebra was a lot like Zebra Stripe gum. IT was pretty cool for a hot minute, but once the flavor is gone you are left with poo poo that resembles gum. 1/5

Now if you want to listen to a good band, I will see you tomorrow dildos.

The Urethras?

For those of you who are not aware, this is what wikipedia would describe the urethra as. "In males, the urethra travels through the penis, and carries semen as well as urine. In females, the urethra is shorter and emerges above the vaginal opening."

This band would be my highschool ska band's best friend. Come see the Donkey Punchers and the Urethras at a church basement. Too bad we did not go to the same high school, we could have been bros, bro. They have their own website which is pretty impressive. The front page/only page is a picture of these three guys wearing ties and making goofy faces. They are without a doubt about as good looking as an urethra (zing!).

These tubes that carry jizz and piss are alright by me. The 15 year old me is writing this blog entry for the record. They are a poppy-alternative rock band. I immediately compared them to a less funky Cake. They are not that ska, but there is no doubt in my mind they love Reel Big Fish. The singer has a teenage, out of tune voice. It is dull and not very melodic, but it works well for what they are doing. Anytime he tries to hit a higher note I laughed. Its bad, yet funny.

Almost every song is mid tempo, with some fast talking. They have slow/fast parts. But it is a pretty steady record. Assuming of course these kids are pretty young, they are pretty good at their instruments. I can't hear the bass lines and that sucks. This band could use some bass to help it sound more solid.

Some of the songs are almost good, some of the songs are pretty bad. I got bored throughout the CD. Listening to the first song was fun; by the time I made to the last track i remembered why I am done playing goofy pop punk. This shit sucks. Well like its kind of cool cause i still think it is funny. And it is. Their name is what you PEE out of! Hilarious!

The lyrics coming from these kids are pretty good. A lot better than other people. My prime example comes from the song "So Ca$h"

"It is so much easier to sit around and stuff, when i just sit at home and jack off (semen comes out of the urethra, ZING!)" Good work guys. I can really feel the emotion he is trying to show right at that moment. So Ca$h is probably the best song on the album. Maybe because he talks about something that comes out of his urethra.

The band would be way better if every song was about urethri, which is the plural of urethra, not urethras. Remember how Hank Hill, in the popular television show King of the Hill, had a narrow urethra. They talked about that a lot. It was pretty funny. I wonder if these dildos in the Urethras have narrow urethri themselves. Just something to think about.

15 year old me gives these guys 3/5, But my band is totally better

20 year old me doesn't even care enough to rate them. They'll figure it out. Unless they are my age. In that case, you guys are faggots (no offense to the gays, i like the gays), stop being so fucking lame. You guys can suck on my fucking urethra (zing).

Leafer - Burkinafaso (2011)

Howdy, it’s Matt. I came for the music reviews, stayed for the dick jokes.

On to my first review:

Leafer does one of the best Wolf Parade impressions I’ve ever heard. That being said, there is certainly enough b-rate Spencer Krug-esque canadian indie in the world, especially after the release of Expo ’86.

From the start of their Burkinafaso EP, the bands intentions are very clear: piano-driven progressions with trebly guitar runs, slamming snare, and shaky vocals - circa early 00s Montreal. And I must say, they do this pretty cleanly. If there’s one thing to say about the band, it’s that they aren’t sloppy.

The EP's opener, Glowing Shapes, starts with pretty interesting organ/guitar work. The poppy groove is then interrupted by some circusy vocal melodies. After several listens, I am confident that the lead singer is none other than Count Chocula. (Why is he playing in a band whose name sounds like a lawn care service? I'm also really surprised General Mills gave him the time off to do guest vocals on an EP) Continuing on, the vocals go a lot of interesting places. Most notably, the shouty, quasi-emo points in the middle of Angry Jim and the shaky, Xiu Xiu style vocals during Lights. They even toss in an occasional verse in french to verify their residence in Quebec. Perhaps the variety of vocal styles is indicative of the singer's inability to decide which vocals are most appropriate for the music - given the options, I vote for the shaky ones. Ultimately, this smorgasbord indie vocal stylings becomes a little annoying. And don't try to pull that "its just experimental" shit. It doesn't apply.

The band manages to incorporate about 4 different variation of the same “oh-oh-oh” bridge into every song. They just do not know when to stop. Take the bridge that comes in at 1:10 in Glowing Shapes for example. I understand what you’re getting at bro, you don’t need to beat me over the head with it. If you have a part you like, make people want more of it.

The band is redeemed by their cohesion. Throughout the album, seemingly cacophonous combinations of styles manage to keep themselves in check. From noisy post rock progressions to dick-waving mariachi influenced breaks, it all works together pretty well. Leafer certainly has talent - decent vocals, well-written guitar and synth lines, and appropriate drumming. However, despite the bands ability to mix a few styles pretty flawlessly, it's hard to get excited about the music. Whether they're merely part of an extremely niche genre or unoriginal is often indistinguishable. I'm sure they could ghostwrite the next Spencer Krug album without anyone noticing.

If you bump into them, throw them a handy for good measure, they're pretty good musicians.

3.5/5

I wouldn’t choose to listen to this over other music, but if they were playing at a house party I could probably get into it. This rating started at a 2, but upon a few listens it climbed. I also couldn't justify giving these guys such low rating considering some of other ratings on here. They are eons away from shitty bands like Covington. Those guys really blow.

LINK

Deranged Youth

Over the weekend I was playing some music with a friend. We decided to switch instruments which meant me playing guitar. To say i suck balls at playing the guitar is an understatement. So we just played some shitty old school xPunk Rawkx. Whatever the fuck we effortlessly played was, oh, i don't know, 87 times better than Deranged Youth.

Their E.P. "Loud, Ugly, Broke," is a solid five songs coming in at like 6 minutes; which is usually a good sign. The drummer has no clue how to play drums. The guitar player likes metal too much for how much he wants to shred, the bass player is a punk bassist. The singer is alright. There has been much worse in the world of punk.

Every song is sloppy, fast, with some screaming. It sucks that if they tried almost a little they could at least be a decent shitty punk band. But they prefer to be a completely shitty punk band. I really do not feel it necessary to descriptively detail what a generic shitty trash punk band sounds like. It sounds exactly how you imagine it to be.

There is no doubt in my mind these kids must be like 14 (hence the Youth in Deranged Youth) so that makes them a little bit better. They will probably have an awesome punk album out in like 6 years so maybe watch out for that.

I was going to give Deranged Youth a 0/5 as soon as i heard the first song but at the end of the last song, after the music cuts out there is a fart noise. That is so awesome ill give it a 1/5. Nice fart bro.

Wizard Attack - You Can Beat a Dead Gift Horse To Water

Before any of you a-holes even think about complaining about the slow progress on reviews here, let me explain.

I had shit to do.

Anyway, thanks to Dylan, at least a few things got done around here the last two weeks, and to my continual astonishment, perhaps even eliciting some concern on my part, in regards to the tenacious and steadfastly masochistic nature of the persons responsible for submissions to this site, we are still getting emails from groups.



Seriously, have you guys read the blog?  For some fucking reason, there seems to be some confusion as to exactly what the goals of this here endeavor are.

Oh, I thought I might also announce that some dude who I can only assume is a member of the band Covington, has honored us with a review...for the blog itself.  We are proud to announce that Music Reviews by Sam has earned an "F", in blogging...I guess.

That dude should actually keep rolling with what he has going there, maybe create a blog that reviews other blogs.



In any case, here is a new one.


Ironically, from what can only be described as the worst named band and album of all time, we are presented with, perhaps, our most dick-slappingly legitimate submission to date.

In fact, these dudes have carried out an almost flawless execution of what must be an intentional heist.

In fact, it is as if Wizard Attack had intended all along to produce an ever so slightly less inspired adaptation of the Chicago math/punk band Colossal.

Here is the problem.  Neil Hennessey didn't just lay down the most intricate and talented drum tracks of the modern era on Colossal's last two albums for the express purpose of simplifying the process of musical plagiarism.   He's just too fucking good to copy. 

So right off the bat, I am immediately inclined to experience disappointment, because the shit is at once fucking obviously similar and easily identified as an inferior musical doppelganger that sounds just enough like the real deal that I am immediately aware of the similar properties, but is just not--ahhhh. It's not as good as fucking Colossal, which sucks a colossal dick, because this is a genuinely interesting album in terms of both aesthetics and literary value.

Oh, yeah, I should mention that there is a hefty and healthy dose of Braid interwoven in this shit.  It's super cool, but let me elaborate.

The lyrics are very good.  Spooky good, at times.

"Never knew what love was, till I saw you people tonight, you came out in such numbers; hit the floods; it's a beautiful sight."

The mother fucker writing the lyrics has a strong grasp of exactly how to tickle my gooch just like I like, in terms of presenting a moving narrative strongly founded on the keen and stark perspective of an individual rocked by the throws of the human condition, pristine in it's integrity, which makes it so easy to identify with and relate to.

Good content, awesome leads.  AHHH.  It's great.

Just download this fucking shit, and maybe if you feel like pissing off your dad, throw these guys a fucking Beej, cause they maybe deserve one.

It rocks.  CLICK

Oh Yeah.  BTW 5/5.  Being worse than colossal is not the worst thing that can be said about any band, since they are like the fucking kings of the goddamn jungle of punk rock and mathy whateverness.  But, yeah.

Earth Bound

Earthbound is a pretty good Strike Anywhere song. Earth Bound is a pretty bad high school metal band. See the difference. I did not. I was under the impression that someone wanted me to review Earthbound by Strike Anywhere (It's fast, tough, and one of the best songs on To Live In Discontent 4/5). I listened to their first song and it sucked then i decided to listen to Strike Anywhere. I can already tell you that Strike Anywhere is really good. Fuck, I mean Earthbound sucks.

First off, the guy that sent us the e-mail was very nice. He said he was having trouble getting his stuff reviewed and I can see why. Earth Bound has four songs on their Facebook page and about one hundred more likes than my band which is incredibly depressing. Have you guys looked at that yet? Click on my (Dylan) picture and go listen to my band. It is without a doubt better than anything reviewed on this blog. You can go ahead and tell me how awesome it is if you so wish.

Ok, Earth bound's songs are extremely long. Facebook's music player doesn't say how long but they feel like an eternity. They all have stupid names and in the corner of the player there is a series of metally pictures. Black and red ominous spirals, Robots, Dragons; you get the point. From what i have gathered there is two singers, or a guy that can change his voice pretty well. They have synth and guitar effects at parts and that is really, really terrible. The bass player is there to hit strictly low notes. He makes boom. The drummer is ok. I heard nothing good nor bad come from him.

This is any metal band that have you seen at a high school battle of the bands. Extremely long songs, showing that they can not distinguish between anything that sounds good or bad. Synth that plays a lot of garbage and should just not be in the band at all. He is probably a dick anyway. Anyone I know who plays synth kind of sucks.

The first song on their Facebook is called Volvagia. For those who are confused. Volvagia is not something women use to clean out their vagina's. It is actually Spanish for "Captain of the Heart." The song starts alright. The guys are shredding. There is a cool guitar line and its not bad. The guy screaming is doing a pretty good job. It is almost surprisingly good hardcore. I doubt they were trying for it, but it is not that bad. A little bit of the second song, Dark Falz, which is Spanish for "Pop Tarts," sounds like an adolescents song but with a really shitty lead line over it. They have lots of guitar effects and slow dragged out "jams". The last song "D ert," which is French for "The jacket," is a 528 minute instrumental bass and synth jam.

I can not tell if it was better or worse than the other songs. On one hand i could ignore it pretty easily. On the other hand when I did listen to it was just god awful.

Earthbound by Strike Anywhere 4/5

Earth bound that band on Facebook 1/5

The guy also said that they were getting ready to record their e.p. which has more of a prog/post-rock feel. I am really excited to here that. The only genre i like more that post-rock is actually prog/post-rock

Waterparks

Hello many readers we have accumulated over the many years of blog-tastic music reviews. Today we will be focusing on the rock super-group Waterparks. As one can imagine this is arguably the funnest post we have ever done. Fact: nothing is funner than a water park. Duh.

I am glad the band Waterparks decided to email us two whole times therefore catching my attention. They only have one song and that is a crime. Waterparks is by far the best band to come under our radar here at Music reviews by Sam.

The only track they have "Silver," is not so much silver and more so gold. The singer has a really awesome nasily style of vocals and he just lets them flail throughout the whole song. Sometimes he lets out a kick ass scream at the end of a verse that shreds. The guitar has got some real cool effects at times and that is really sweet. The drummer is just a fucking machine. There is one of the coolest keyboard bridges the world has ever seen. The song is the catchiest song I have heard in so long.

The lyrics to this song are really impressive. The song just has a mega-chorus, "I'll be the silver lining around your fence. Used to protect yourself from all the world. And it's sharp teeth because my open hand and heart think you belong." They also use the word "fighting" not once, not twice, not three times, not four times,.... Yes you guessed it 20 times!!!

Imagine the baby of every awesome pop punk band. Waterparks should be headlining that Pop Punk's Not Dead Tour. Like a bad ass Motion City Soundtrack mixed with The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' good stuff.

Just kidding Waterparks sucked balls 1/5. Keep em coming.

Duck, You Sucker

Sorry about the hiatus. All four of us writers are incredibly busy with our multi-billion dollar investments to review shitty bands.

Speaking of shitty bands how about Duck, You Sucker. The only reason I decided to review their E.P. Hallelujah Space Mountain was because it was three songs. I figured it would be quick and painless. Naturally the last song on the album is 7 plus minutes and that is just a pain in the ass. First off I could not figure out of that is how you spell Hallelujah or if this was supposed to be a reggae band (Jah will provide). Spell checker has corrected me, that is how you spell hallelujah.

The first song Oma starts off with a terribly annoying noise, then music starts. Its not bad. It sounds like it could be sampled in a pretty sweet hip hop track. Like the Digable planets or something. I like the fact there is a sax in the band. That does a lot for me. There should be more sax solos and less of the shitty jazz guitar solos. Overall everything sounds cool but there lacks vocals. At the very end of the song someone kind of grumbles what i decipher to be oma a couple times. Lame.

The second song sounds like it could be a Chemical Brothers song. There is a fair amount of movement in the song but nothing really happens at all. I guess i could listen to this while i am on acid or something. Nah, i would rather listen to better music in the scenario that i am on acid. I guess if someone put this on while i was banging, or jerking off or something, i would not immediately tell them to turn it off. So they have that going for them. Being adequate background music.

Then there is the last song, 2001. There is some dreamy spaced out singing which does not do too much for me. But the drums comes in with a really sweet, mellow beat that matches the guitar well. Then the song starts to speed up and its pretty good actually. Closer to the end of this extremely long song the sax has a line that is really cool. Then there is a two minute outro with a therimin or something like that. It has no right to exist.

Overall, the band takes a long time to get almost nowhere. The music is "chill" and these dudes probably smoke too much pot. They should consider getting a better singer or making beats for hip hop artists. But, it is without a doubt cooler to make this music then like experimental dub step or something shitty like that.

3/5 Because they have a saxophone.

Duck, You Sucker, the E.P. is fifty cents. You might as well give it to them. I did not, but you should.

Laughing Gas

Laughing Gas

Hi Guyz!!! IM DYLAN and Im like guNna be writtin for di$ blog k!!!!!!!

As my first review for the kind people at Reviews by Sam I was just thrilled. Right off the bat Laughing Gas had a lot going for me. I like the band name and the album title. “Trapped In a Shark Tank”. Not too bad.

The first song starts really awesome; cool sample, driving guitar and drums, some cool riffage on top of that. I was like oh man, reviewing albums people make is going to be the shit. Then the vocals came in… Oh they came in. There was something incredibly, I don’t know, whispery I believe is what I am looking for. Kind of ruined the whole band for me. But it was just not the vocals; the song in no way shape or form deserves almost 4 minutes. The music behind the singer is slightly catchy, well recorded, and kind of talented. Everyone is more than capable of playing their instrument, so that’s good.

Overall the lyrics suck balls. You can listen to any song on the album and find something worth ridiculing. “I Hate Myself” as a whole is excellent proof of that. “I hate you until the day you die, I fucking hate you until the day you die” Good one guys.

The second song on the album “Henry” is extremely confusing to me. What happened to the band that was making generic boring music? This song reminds me a lot of Dead to Me, or maybe The Flatliners at slow parts. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the Red Hot Chili Peppers use that exact same guitar riff on one of their songs that I don’t feel like looking up right now. Cause then I would have to listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. But as a whole the song is kind of cool.

I’d compare it to some other bands but just imagine any pop bank you have ever seen open for a good punk band. That is Laughing Gas. I guess the name is true. This album put me to sleep faster than Laughing Gas. The whisper choir boy style of the vocals really did not help me pay attention to this album. If the songs were cut in half, that would be way better. But they are not. Therefore forcing me to listen to a lot more un-original instrumental parts I really didn’t want to listen to. Seeing that “Wasteland” was over five minutes I refused to listen to it. I doubt I missed much.

2/5 Just because there are way worse bands out there. Extremely average. So many better things I could have done than listened to this. Like watch Lets Make a Deal. Now that’s entertainment, unlike Laughing Gas.

P.S. sorry there were not more dick jokes. I am still new here and working my way up to talking about eating assholes.

Additional thoughts from Sam:

I think D-Money really nailed this one, but I want to point one thing I noticed out, which was that the bass player does a whole lot for this band, not just in terms of adding something interesting to the sound, but also in making sure that the album has an abundance of Andriano-esque dick-waiving runs, which are fun. 

Retarded Muppet Farm - Thriller 2 (One day before Michael Jackson's death.)

This is just hysterical.

You guys know what you are all in for.

Expect some pop that sounds like it was written for church, but with lyrics that are offensive in a very subtle and funny way.

I suspect that one or both of the vocalists are very obese, as the vocals keep conjuring images of two fat sweaty dudes. Don't get me wrong, fat dudes have been know to make some pretty awesome music, but I'm just telling it like it is.

The vocals are the best part, even though they creep me the fuck out.

I dunno. It is just so over-the top, and clever in the way that it exploits the silliness of 80's pop. You guys are never going to fucking believe this shit. I can't even relate it. Oh my god it is funny. The inane noises that the vocalists occasionally make have nearly driven me to tears.

If this took effort to produce, then I am astonished, as I suspect that midi-thievery was the foundation of this whole thing.

Just...just listen to the first track. it's waaaaay funnier than Daniel Tosh.
Wow. Props dudes. I don't know what to give it. It's hilarious, but you guys know this shit fucking sucks. I will be showing it to all of my friends, though.

Just know that I really loved it for what it was.

1/5

Probably don't start drinking anything while listening.

Angry cry of the angry pie...

So, do you guys want a piece of me? Would you like to tear my music down? If you are up to the challenge, I'll post an album I finished this year, and by god, I'll post the best and most accurate insults you intrepid masochistic troubadours can come up with. In fact, I'll even laugh at your jokes. So, whatdo you think? Interested?

Covington - Snake EP (2011)

After a deliverance-esque intro with an acoustic guitar, Covington abandons all notions of the value of originality and delivers what I can only imagine is a collection of b-side metallica and u2 covers. The vocals are controlled, melodramatic, vague at times and uselessly devoid of interesting or moving sentiment at all times.

They do a really good job of making this stuff. It is just not as good as the shit on the radio, which is already shit, so this is like what you would get when a dog eats a turn and then makes a new one - a double turd or something.

I'm sure that dudes who are into nickleback can bob their heads to this, but all I can do is just wait for it to be over.

"I just want to feel you and be felt all the time"
That's what you get. Is it that fucking hard to write some lyrics that don't sound like fucking Katy Perry throwaways?



It's probably not worth your time,
but here it is.

Ready Room - Tact (2011)

Hey! Dudes from my good old home town. I was pretty certain that this was going to fucking blow when I saw that this release is also available in a remix version, which just made me laugh hysterically at the notion that anyone would ever fucking listen to a local band's remix album. It's just so fucking naive, that I almost felt sorry when I saw it, but instead I just cackled maniacally and rolled up my sleeves, ready to dig in and tear this band to pieces.

The Matt Skiba side project, Heavens, is what I thought about when I heard the first track, but these guys have black belts in being boring or something, because they totally excel at it.

Lead lines, boring, lyrics, just sparse and devoid of content in a way that makes me wish I was listening to A Perfect Circle or something fucking stupid like that, drums, if they aren't electronic, are ok, but the whole thing is just a fucking snooze fest. They should give away a free sleeping bag with every download, or start trying to push this album as an off label treatment for insomnia. In fact, they should have named the band Valium, which would have at least made it seem like it was their intent to induce drowsiness.

Though some interesting things happen in terms of instrumentation, especially in the second song, which has a really nice bridge and some really cool guitar work, the choice was made to avoid straying from the two chords the were being played at the beginning of the song, which makes the dudes look even worse, because not only is their release boring, but they might be too fucking stupid to realize that you just can't play the same fucking chords over and over again and not piss the listener off, or make him just dismiss the entire project, snap the cd in half, and never look back.

Blacktop Cadence comes to mind often, but only in a "this is like if blacktop cadence was terrible" sort of way.

It is interesting at points, dull at others, and just not that great, pretty much the whole time. I am underwhelmed to an unprecedented degree.

I can't even imagine how bad the fucking remix album is. Do these guys stare into the mirror while they masturbate, or isn't that just the most hilariously self-absorbed and arrogant thing that could be done? I'm a little bit appalled.

Here you go. Right here.

Foxtrot - Crimson (2011)

As a huge fan of 90's alternative, this album immediately appealed to me.

The gritty texture of the release is really pleasant, and though the structure is pretty standard, it is never boring, and I imagine that Foxtrot didn't really intentionally design these tunes with conventions in mind, as influence from Deathcab is pretty glaringly obvious, which I suspect had a large role in the writing of this stuff. But then again, maybe they just sit around and listen to Neil Diamond all day, who by the way, might have some of the shittiest albums out there, amongst the rest of the mediocre crap that isn't the hits.

Unfortunately, the lyrics are so bad, throughout, that any half-boner I might have had when the first song started playing slammed back into my body so hard that I probably have a vagina now. Yup, that's right. Kinda fitting, since these fellas are just insistent on being lazy pussies in writing lyrics. You had me, but now I'm never calling you for a second date, and later you find out that the number I gave you is actually the number for Pizza Hut, and you tried to flirt with the person who answered and totally embarrassed yourself when you found out you'd been duped. Yeah, you were TOTALLY embarrassed and humiliated, you bastards.

The second tune, as if in defiance of the strong showing from the dudes on guitars and drums, is full of really stupidly trite and easy lyrics, which are too insincere to continue taking any song on the album seriously, in regards to the integrity of the content.

The third song, which I stopped listening to half way through, is so fucking boring that I feel sorry for anyone who has sat through it live, though I would wager that everybody but the youth group that these dudes are apparently members of are outside smoking cigarettes during the majority of the set, possibly saying something about how the scene was waaay better when blah blah blah.

This is boring, despite its potential, which is even worse than just plain boring, since it pisses me off that it could have been good.

1.3/5

Pussy music right here.

The Benevolent Order of Antelopes - EP (2011)

I'm really into this album, in spite of the fucking ridiculous name. I wouldn't have been surprised if this was some lame fucking shroom gobbling trance band or something. It is kind of funny, and I guess that it is easy to remember, but, really? You might as well call yourselves Beast Fellatio Extraordinaire or Monkey Sermon or something. Fucking weird.

It's like all of the annoying elements of Halo Benders were gone, or if Built to spill chilled the fuck out. I wouldn't be surprised if there are some owen cds laying around the house with this one.

It's really good. Mathy leads abound, with some steady strumming and almost too groovy basslines are a big part of this production.

I love the slightly countrified style here. Often, I am reminded of the Mountain goats, in terms of melody. Lyrically, there is little to warrant some kind of dick joke, since they are pretty solid; vagueness in content is utilized very well here, and luckily nothing stupid is ever thrown out there.

At times, I find some of the backup vocals to be a little obnoxious, and yeah, dude with the guitar, I totally get it that you can play indie leads, but that shit is like garlic salt, and if you just pile it on there, it can ruin the whole goddamn lasagna or whatever. It's not overdone, but you are fucking pushing it, buddy.

Expect some real cute twee, that is immediately charming and never abrasive or intrusive.

Additional instruments are implemented well, and the whole album is really solid the whole way through.

For fans of pavement, built to spill, halo-benders, kimya dawson, and all that other stuff, download this and you will not be sorry. Very nice. Very nice. Straight to the pod with this.

5/5 Do it, just do it.

Hope I didn't blow my load too soon with the five out of five. I'm going to have to really step it up a notch on the dream killing and insults if I am going to keep up my street cred.


Hey, it's hours later and this album is getting better and better. I am reminded often of Jets to Brazil, for some reason. It just keeps getting better.

Thunder Stump - Punk. Comedy. Album. (2011)

This is just awesome and entertaining on every level.

The dude writing the lyrics doesn't seem to mind being the most self-centered person ever, reminds me of somebody, but luckily for me, I can laugh in hysteria and enjoy how fucking funny this shit is from the sweet void-like barrier of the world wide web.

I just love this. It's so funny that I don't even notice how much palm muted pop-punk is being recycled. The drummer fucks up his fills, and the singer fucks up the melody, but it all just adds to the charm.


Hilarious. Just fucking hilarious.

4/5 Listen to this, just trust me.

Mello Yellow Dramatic - The Electric Gentlemen

Well, once again, you losers produced something interesting.

I'm not sure if these dudes are listening to fugazi and rights of spring or just beating off to the sound of Led Zeppelin and Jet all day long in between bong hits. Wait...now I am pretty sure that it is the latter.

The lyrics fucking suck. They do. Just a sporadic spray of meaningless rock and roll diarrhea coming right out of the dudes mouth.

Because of the stellar production, it is even more apparent that these dudes are tenaciously steadfast and unyielding in taking those same two rhythm licks, playing them, then some masterbatory guitar soloing, then they just throw that same shit that they've been playing right back down on the table, as if they think no-body is gonna fucking notice.

Overall, in between yawns, I was a little bit pissed off, and a little bit disappointed, as these guys can obviously play their instruments. They just can't bring anything worthwhile to the table. It's like someone tearing out all the exciting parts from a detective novel, and all that is left is just fifty pages of some dude drinking coffee and brooding.

1/5 keep 'em coming dudes, just stop sucking.
Meh

Stricly Off the Record - Hello, Adderall!

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The Misspoken- Stuff on their Myspace page (20??)

Right out of the door, "You were there", the first tune on their page, just fucking knocks the door down, and I am immediately impressed, and almost just as quickly, they take a good thing, and slap a really obnoxious and melodramatic bridge in there. It's like when you see a pretty girl, and then she smiles, and it's all fucking knives and harpoons and shit.

The vocals on the first track are terrific. The guy sounds like the dude from Sundials. Unfortunately, it sounds as if the dude doing most of the vocals on the other track, who may or may not be the same guy, is more interested in doing his impression of every hardcore singer ever than doing something interesting.

After that the band is somewhere in between crack-rock-steady punk and early hardcore.

The drummer is not very good and pretty uninventive, the guitar drones on and on utilizing little more than un-muted power chords, and there is rarely a moment as cool as the first twenty seconds of the first track. It's pretty fucking drab after that.

I'd rather listen to Shai Hulud.

I am, however, curious about the lyrics, maybe I'll post about it again later.

2/5

DWHB - The Morning After (ft. Cheldon McQeen)

Here is a really well produced Hip Hop track with a super nice backing track.
That is where interesting things stop happening.

I am hoping, that this song is supposed to be funny. Let me stop there---it isn't.

It's catchy, but the lyrics are dumb enough to piss me off, and to be honest, the song is pretty useless. Boring, stupid lyrics, awful, awkwardly delivered vocals, and it never fucking stops. It's like dudes are just lined up out the door to get in front of the mic.

If I want to listen to some retard brag about "totally banging some chick", there are some douchey frat-type dudes who live down the street. So, yeah, worthless.

1/5
BORING! Fucking boring.

Raw Madonna - Stomach(2011)

Fuck you.

This is the worst and most boring shit I've ever heard.
Noise rock can be interesting, but this just pissed me off.

Check this out if you really love the sound of nails scratching on a chalkboard with white noise and a shitty radio signal on in the background. Cause that is what it fucking is.

Occasionally, there are subtle things that seem to have been intentionally done, but by the time I can say, "well that was kind of neat", the sound which might be a snuff film or gangbang just busts in and slaps you right in the dick.

Sorry, better make some really good noise rock if you want me to say anything nice about it. This is just disgusting. Like, I feel really uncomfortable listening to any more of it.

Dead Bush is the best song, and it is honestly not bad at all, if you like ambient music.

1/5

http://rawmadonna.bandcamp.com/album/stomach

Tip Top Secrets - Go to Disneyland (2011)

First thing is first about this one...

You better like synth-lines, because these guys are like the Ron Jeremy of that shit, just ramming it into you wherever they can find a hole. The good thing is that after you get used to it, you start to notice how catchy and likable they make it.

Initially, I was concerned that the pop-iness of this stuff would become gratingly uninteresting, and although I don't exactly want to start giving out BJ's in celebration, I was pleasantly surprised.

What we've got here, I suspect, is a dude, or dudes, who listen to waaaay too much post-punk. The whole album is fucking dripping with reverb and I keep thinking, hey this sounds a little like joy division, but less boring. "Candy Cottages", my favorite so far, and apparently the "jam" of the album, makes it apparent that the guitar player has listened to Vampire weekend, and makes use of some jangly dancy lead lines that I liked enough to listen to again.

Song structure is interesting and complex, though at times, songs dangerously teeter towards becoming annoyingly directionless in a very animal collective sort of way. Personally, this pissed me off a lot, but I really hate animal collective.

On a second listen, I am sure that if you like animal collective, you might dig this album.

Although the lyrics seem intent on evading my understanding, I haven't heard anything exceedingly dumb...well, not exceedingly.

So that's my initial reaction.
I'm really not that big of a fan, but I know I can appreciate this album in the way that I appreciate fugazi, which is to say, I can listen to it for a minute and be like, "Yeah they know what they are doing, and they do it well, but they just don't know how to make me listen to it." Fugazi is so important to the music of today, and undeniably valuable, in a literary way, but even though I want to like it, I just don't find myself putting it on.

That's what I've got here.
I'll give it the second listen tomorrow, but for now, I'd give it 2/5.

http://tiptopsecrets.bandcamp.com/

Give me your albums.

Can't promise kindness, but I do promise integrity.