Duck, You Sucker

Sorry about the hiatus. All four of us writers are incredibly busy with our multi-billion dollar investments to review shitty bands.

Speaking of shitty bands how about Duck, You Sucker. The only reason I decided to review their E.P. Hallelujah Space Mountain was because it was three songs. I figured it would be quick and painless. Naturally the last song on the album is 7 plus minutes and that is just a pain in the ass. First off I could not figure out of that is how you spell Hallelujah or if this was supposed to be a reggae band (Jah will provide). Spell checker has corrected me, that is how you spell hallelujah.

The first song Oma starts off with a terribly annoying noise, then music starts. Its not bad. It sounds like it could be sampled in a pretty sweet hip hop track. Like the Digable planets or something. I like the fact there is a sax in the band. That does a lot for me. There should be more sax solos and less of the shitty jazz guitar solos. Overall everything sounds cool but there lacks vocals. At the very end of the song someone kind of grumbles what i decipher to be oma a couple times. Lame.

The second song sounds like it could be a Chemical Brothers song. There is a fair amount of movement in the song but nothing really happens at all. I guess i could listen to this while i am on acid or something. Nah, i would rather listen to better music in the scenario that i am on acid. I guess if someone put this on while i was banging, or jerking off or something, i would not immediately tell them to turn it off. So they have that going for them. Being adequate background music.

Then there is the last song, 2001. There is some dreamy spaced out singing which does not do too much for me. But the drums comes in with a really sweet, mellow beat that matches the guitar well. Then the song starts to speed up and its pretty good actually. Closer to the end of this extremely long song the sax has a line that is really cool. Then there is a two minute outro with a therimin or something like that. It has no right to exist.

Overall, the band takes a long time to get almost nowhere. The music is "chill" and these dudes probably smoke too much pot. They should consider getting a better singer or making beats for hip hop artists. But, it is without a doubt cooler to make this music then like experimental dub step or something shitty like that.

3/5 Because they have a saxophone.

Duck, You Sucker, the E.P. is fifty cents. You might as well give it to them. I did not, but you should.

Laughing Gas

Laughing Gas

Hi Guyz!!! IM DYLAN and Im like guNna be writtin for di$ blog k!!!!!!!

As my first review for the kind people at Reviews by Sam I was just thrilled. Right off the bat Laughing Gas had a lot going for me. I like the band name and the album title. “Trapped In a Shark Tank”. Not too bad.

The first song starts really awesome; cool sample, driving guitar and drums, some cool riffage on top of that. I was like oh man, reviewing albums people make is going to be the shit. Then the vocals came in… Oh they came in. There was something incredibly, I don’t know, whispery I believe is what I am looking for. Kind of ruined the whole band for me. But it was just not the vocals; the song in no way shape or form deserves almost 4 minutes. The music behind the singer is slightly catchy, well recorded, and kind of talented. Everyone is more than capable of playing their instrument, so that’s good.

Overall the lyrics suck balls. You can listen to any song on the album and find something worth ridiculing. “I Hate Myself” as a whole is excellent proof of that. “I hate you until the day you die, I fucking hate you until the day you die” Good one guys.

The second song on the album “Henry” is extremely confusing to me. What happened to the band that was making generic boring music? This song reminds me a lot of Dead to Me, or maybe The Flatliners at slow parts. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the Red Hot Chili Peppers use that exact same guitar riff on one of their songs that I don’t feel like looking up right now. Cause then I would have to listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. But as a whole the song is kind of cool.

I’d compare it to some other bands but just imagine any pop bank you have ever seen open for a good punk band. That is Laughing Gas. I guess the name is true. This album put me to sleep faster than Laughing Gas. The whisper choir boy style of the vocals really did not help me pay attention to this album. If the songs were cut in half, that would be way better. But they are not. Therefore forcing me to listen to a lot more un-original instrumental parts I really didn’t want to listen to. Seeing that “Wasteland” was over five minutes I refused to listen to it. I doubt I missed much.

2/5 Just because there are way worse bands out there. Extremely average. So many better things I could have done than listened to this. Like watch Lets Make a Deal. Now that’s entertainment, unlike Laughing Gas.

P.S. sorry there were not more dick jokes. I am still new here and working my way up to talking about eating assholes.

Additional thoughts from Sam:

I think D-Money really nailed this one, but I want to point one thing I noticed out, which was that the bass player does a whole lot for this band, not just in terms of adding something interesting to the sound, but also in making sure that the album has an abundance of Andriano-esque dick-waiving runs, which are fun. 

Retarded Muppet Farm - Thriller 2 (One day before Michael Jackson's death.)

This is just hysterical.

You guys know what you are all in for.

Expect some pop that sounds like it was written for church, but with lyrics that are offensive in a very subtle and funny way.

I suspect that one or both of the vocalists are very obese, as the vocals keep conjuring images of two fat sweaty dudes. Don't get me wrong, fat dudes have been know to make some pretty awesome music, but I'm just telling it like it is.

The vocals are the best part, even though they creep me the fuck out.

I dunno. It is just so over-the top, and clever in the way that it exploits the silliness of 80's pop. You guys are never going to fucking believe this shit. I can't even relate it. Oh my god it is funny. The inane noises that the vocalists occasionally make have nearly driven me to tears.

If this took effort to produce, then I am astonished, as I suspect that midi-thievery was the foundation of this whole thing.

Just...just listen to the first track. it's waaaaay funnier than Daniel Tosh.
Wow. Props dudes. I don't know what to give it. It's hilarious, but you guys know this shit fucking sucks. I will be showing it to all of my friends, though.

Just know that I really loved it for what it was.

1/5

Probably don't start drinking anything while listening.

Angry cry of the angry pie...

So, do you guys want a piece of me? Would you like to tear my music down? If you are up to the challenge, I'll post an album I finished this year, and by god, I'll post the best and most accurate insults you intrepid masochistic troubadours can come up with. In fact, I'll even laugh at your jokes. So, whatdo you think? Interested?

Covington - Snake EP (2011)

After a deliverance-esque intro with an acoustic guitar, Covington abandons all notions of the value of originality and delivers what I can only imagine is a collection of b-side metallica and u2 covers. The vocals are controlled, melodramatic, vague at times and uselessly devoid of interesting or moving sentiment at all times.

They do a really good job of making this stuff. It is just not as good as the shit on the radio, which is already shit, so this is like what you would get when a dog eats a turn and then makes a new one - a double turd or something.

I'm sure that dudes who are into nickleback can bob their heads to this, but all I can do is just wait for it to be over.

"I just want to feel you and be felt all the time"
That's what you get. Is it that fucking hard to write some lyrics that don't sound like fucking Katy Perry throwaways?



It's probably not worth your time,
but here it is.

Ready Room - Tact (2011)

Hey! Dudes from my good old home town. I was pretty certain that this was going to fucking blow when I saw that this release is also available in a remix version, which just made me laugh hysterically at the notion that anyone would ever fucking listen to a local band's remix album. It's just so fucking naive, that I almost felt sorry when I saw it, but instead I just cackled maniacally and rolled up my sleeves, ready to dig in and tear this band to pieces.

The Matt Skiba side project, Heavens, is what I thought about when I heard the first track, but these guys have black belts in being boring or something, because they totally excel at it.

Lead lines, boring, lyrics, just sparse and devoid of content in a way that makes me wish I was listening to A Perfect Circle or something fucking stupid like that, drums, if they aren't electronic, are ok, but the whole thing is just a fucking snooze fest. They should give away a free sleeping bag with every download, or start trying to push this album as an off label treatment for insomnia. In fact, they should have named the band Valium, which would have at least made it seem like it was their intent to induce drowsiness.

Though some interesting things happen in terms of instrumentation, especially in the second song, which has a really nice bridge and some really cool guitar work, the choice was made to avoid straying from the two chords the were being played at the beginning of the song, which makes the dudes look even worse, because not only is their release boring, but they might be too fucking stupid to realize that you just can't play the same fucking chords over and over again and not piss the listener off, or make him just dismiss the entire project, snap the cd in half, and never look back.

Blacktop Cadence comes to mind often, but only in a "this is like if blacktop cadence was terrible" sort of way.

It is interesting at points, dull at others, and just not that great, pretty much the whole time. I am underwhelmed to an unprecedented degree.

I can't even imagine how bad the fucking remix album is. Do these guys stare into the mirror while they masturbate, or isn't that just the most hilariously self-absorbed and arrogant thing that could be done? I'm a little bit appalled.

Here you go. Right here.

Foxtrot - Crimson (2011)

As a huge fan of 90's alternative, this album immediately appealed to me.

The gritty texture of the release is really pleasant, and though the structure is pretty standard, it is never boring, and I imagine that Foxtrot didn't really intentionally design these tunes with conventions in mind, as influence from Deathcab is pretty glaringly obvious, which I suspect had a large role in the writing of this stuff. But then again, maybe they just sit around and listen to Neil Diamond all day, who by the way, might have some of the shittiest albums out there, amongst the rest of the mediocre crap that isn't the hits.

Unfortunately, the lyrics are so bad, throughout, that any half-boner I might have had when the first song started playing slammed back into my body so hard that I probably have a vagina now. Yup, that's right. Kinda fitting, since these fellas are just insistent on being lazy pussies in writing lyrics. You had me, but now I'm never calling you for a second date, and later you find out that the number I gave you is actually the number for Pizza Hut, and you tried to flirt with the person who answered and totally embarrassed yourself when you found out you'd been duped. Yeah, you were TOTALLY embarrassed and humiliated, you bastards.

The second tune, as if in defiance of the strong showing from the dudes on guitars and drums, is full of really stupidly trite and easy lyrics, which are too insincere to continue taking any song on the album seriously, in regards to the integrity of the content.

The third song, which I stopped listening to half way through, is so fucking boring that I feel sorry for anyone who has sat through it live, though I would wager that everybody but the youth group that these dudes are apparently members of are outside smoking cigarettes during the majority of the set, possibly saying something about how the scene was waaay better when blah blah blah.

This is boring, despite its potential, which is even worse than just plain boring, since it pisses me off that it could have been good.

1.3/5

Pussy music right here.

The Benevolent Order of Antelopes - EP (2011)

I'm really into this album, in spite of the fucking ridiculous name. I wouldn't have been surprised if this was some lame fucking shroom gobbling trance band or something. It is kind of funny, and I guess that it is easy to remember, but, really? You might as well call yourselves Beast Fellatio Extraordinaire or Monkey Sermon or something. Fucking weird.

It's like all of the annoying elements of Halo Benders were gone, or if Built to spill chilled the fuck out. I wouldn't be surprised if there are some owen cds laying around the house with this one.

It's really good. Mathy leads abound, with some steady strumming and almost too groovy basslines are a big part of this production.

I love the slightly countrified style here. Often, I am reminded of the Mountain goats, in terms of melody. Lyrically, there is little to warrant some kind of dick joke, since they are pretty solid; vagueness in content is utilized very well here, and luckily nothing stupid is ever thrown out there.

At times, I find some of the backup vocals to be a little obnoxious, and yeah, dude with the guitar, I totally get it that you can play indie leads, but that shit is like garlic salt, and if you just pile it on there, it can ruin the whole goddamn lasagna or whatever. It's not overdone, but you are fucking pushing it, buddy.

Expect some real cute twee, that is immediately charming and never abrasive or intrusive.

Additional instruments are implemented well, and the whole album is really solid the whole way through.

For fans of pavement, built to spill, halo-benders, kimya dawson, and all that other stuff, download this and you will not be sorry. Very nice. Very nice. Straight to the pod with this.

5/5 Do it, just do it.

Hope I didn't blow my load too soon with the five out of five. I'm going to have to really step it up a notch on the dream killing and insults if I am going to keep up my street cred.


Hey, it's hours later and this album is getting better and better. I am reminded often of Jets to Brazil, for some reason. It just keeps getting better.

Thunder Stump - Punk. Comedy. Album. (2011)

This is just awesome and entertaining on every level.

The dude writing the lyrics doesn't seem to mind being the most self-centered person ever, reminds me of somebody, but luckily for me, I can laugh in hysteria and enjoy how fucking funny this shit is from the sweet void-like barrier of the world wide web.

I just love this. It's so funny that I don't even notice how much palm muted pop-punk is being recycled. The drummer fucks up his fills, and the singer fucks up the melody, but it all just adds to the charm.


Hilarious. Just fucking hilarious.

4/5 Listen to this, just trust me.

Mello Yellow Dramatic - The Electric Gentlemen

Well, once again, you losers produced something interesting.

I'm not sure if these dudes are listening to fugazi and rights of spring or just beating off to the sound of Led Zeppelin and Jet all day long in between bong hits. Wait...now I am pretty sure that it is the latter.

The lyrics fucking suck. They do. Just a sporadic spray of meaningless rock and roll diarrhea coming right out of the dudes mouth.

Because of the stellar production, it is even more apparent that these dudes are tenaciously steadfast and unyielding in taking those same two rhythm licks, playing them, then some masterbatory guitar soloing, then they just throw that same shit that they've been playing right back down on the table, as if they think no-body is gonna fucking notice.

Overall, in between yawns, I was a little bit pissed off, and a little bit disappointed, as these guys can obviously play their instruments. They just can't bring anything worthwhile to the table. It's like someone tearing out all the exciting parts from a detective novel, and all that is left is just fifty pages of some dude drinking coffee and brooding.

1/5 keep 'em coming dudes, just stop sucking.
Meh

Stricly Off the Record - Hello, Adderall!

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The Misspoken- Stuff on their Myspace page (20??)

Right out of the door, "You were there", the first tune on their page, just fucking knocks the door down, and I am immediately impressed, and almost just as quickly, they take a good thing, and slap a really obnoxious and melodramatic bridge in there. It's like when you see a pretty girl, and then she smiles, and it's all fucking knives and harpoons and shit.

The vocals on the first track are terrific. The guy sounds like the dude from Sundials. Unfortunately, it sounds as if the dude doing most of the vocals on the other track, who may or may not be the same guy, is more interested in doing his impression of every hardcore singer ever than doing something interesting.

After that the band is somewhere in between crack-rock-steady punk and early hardcore.

The drummer is not very good and pretty uninventive, the guitar drones on and on utilizing little more than un-muted power chords, and there is rarely a moment as cool as the first twenty seconds of the first track. It's pretty fucking drab after that.

I'd rather listen to Shai Hulud.

I am, however, curious about the lyrics, maybe I'll post about it again later.

2/5

DWHB - The Morning After (ft. Cheldon McQeen)

Here is a really well produced Hip Hop track with a super nice backing track.
That is where interesting things stop happening.

I am hoping, that this song is supposed to be funny. Let me stop there---it isn't.

It's catchy, but the lyrics are dumb enough to piss me off, and to be honest, the song is pretty useless. Boring, stupid lyrics, awful, awkwardly delivered vocals, and it never fucking stops. It's like dudes are just lined up out the door to get in front of the mic.

If I want to listen to some retard brag about "totally banging some chick", there are some douchey frat-type dudes who live down the street. So, yeah, worthless.

1/5
BORING! Fucking boring.

Raw Madonna - Stomach(2011)

Fuck you.

This is the worst and most boring shit I've ever heard.
Noise rock can be interesting, but this just pissed me off.

Check this out if you really love the sound of nails scratching on a chalkboard with white noise and a shitty radio signal on in the background. Cause that is what it fucking is.

Occasionally, there are subtle things that seem to have been intentionally done, but by the time I can say, "well that was kind of neat", the sound which might be a snuff film or gangbang just busts in and slaps you right in the dick.

Sorry, better make some really good noise rock if you want me to say anything nice about it. This is just disgusting. Like, I feel really uncomfortable listening to any more of it.

Dead Bush is the best song, and it is honestly not bad at all, if you like ambient music.

1/5

http://rawmadonna.bandcamp.com/album/stomach

Tip Top Secrets - Go to Disneyland (2011)

First thing is first about this one...

You better like synth-lines, because these guys are like the Ron Jeremy of that shit, just ramming it into you wherever they can find a hole. The good thing is that after you get used to it, you start to notice how catchy and likable they make it.

Initially, I was concerned that the pop-iness of this stuff would become gratingly uninteresting, and although I don't exactly want to start giving out BJ's in celebration, I was pleasantly surprised.

What we've got here, I suspect, is a dude, or dudes, who listen to waaaay too much post-punk. The whole album is fucking dripping with reverb and I keep thinking, hey this sounds a little like joy division, but less boring. "Candy Cottages", my favorite so far, and apparently the "jam" of the album, makes it apparent that the guitar player has listened to Vampire weekend, and makes use of some jangly dancy lead lines that I liked enough to listen to again.

Song structure is interesting and complex, though at times, songs dangerously teeter towards becoming annoyingly directionless in a very animal collective sort of way. Personally, this pissed me off a lot, but I really hate animal collective.

On a second listen, I am sure that if you like animal collective, you might dig this album.

Although the lyrics seem intent on evading my understanding, I haven't heard anything exceedingly dumb...well, not exceedingly.

So that's my initial reaction.
I'm really not that big of a fan, but I know I can appreciate this album in the way that I appreciate fugazi, which is to say, I can listen to it for a minute and be like, "Yeah they know what they are doing, and they do it well, but they just don't know how to make me listen to it." Fugazi is so important to the music of today, and undeniably valuable, in a literary way, but even though I want to like it, I just don't find myself putting it on.

That's what I've got here.
I'll give it the second listen tomorrow, but for now, I'd give it 2/5.

http://tiptopsecrets.bandcamp.com/

Give me your albums.

Can't promise kindness, but I do promise integrity.