Duck, You Sucker

Sorry about the hiatus. All four of us writers are incredibly busy with our multi-billion dollar investments to review shitty bands.

Speaking of shitty bands how about Duck, You Sucker. The only reason I decided to review their E.P. Hallelujah Space Mountain was because it was three songs. I figured it would be quick and painless. Naturally the last song on the album is 7 plus minutes and that is just a pain in the ass. First off I could not figure out of that is how you spell Hallelujah or if this was supposed to be a reggae band (Jah will provide). Spell checker has corrected me, that is how you spell hallelujah.

The first song Oma starts off with a terribly annoying noise, then music starts. Its not bad. It sounds like it could be sampled in a pretty sweet hip hop track. Like the Digable planets or something. I like the fact there is a sax in the band. That does a lot for me. There should be more sax solos and less of the shitty jazz guitar solos. Overall everything sounds cool but there lacks vocals. At the very end of the song someone kind of grumbles what i decipher to be oma a couple times. Lame.

The second song sounds like it could be a Chemical Brothers song. There is a fair amount of movement in the song but nothing really happens at all. I guess i could listen to this while i am on acid or something. Nah, i would rather listen to better music in the scenario that i am on acid. I guess if someone put this on while i was banging, or jerking off or something, i would not immediately tell them to turn it off. So they have that going for them. Being adequate background music.

Then there is the last song, 2001. There is some dreamy spaced out singing which does not do too much for me. But the drums comes in with a really sweet, mellow beat that matches the guitar well. Then the song starts to speed up and its pretty good actually. Closer to the end of this extremely long song the sax has a line that is really cool. Then there is a two minute outro with a therimin or something like that. It has no right to exist.

Overall, the band takes a long time to get almost nowhere. The music is "chill" and these dudes probably smoke too much pot. They should consider getting a better singer or making beats for hip hop artists. But, it is without a doubt cooler to make this music then like experimental dub step or something shitty like that.

3/5 Because they have a saxophone.

Duck, You Sucker, the E.P. is fifty cents. You might as well give it to them. I did not, but you should.

Laughing Gas

Laughing Gas

Hi Guyz!!! IM DYLAN and Im like guNna be writtin for di$ blog k!!!!!!!

As my first review for the kind people at Reviews by Sam I was just thrilled. Right off the bat Laughing Gas had a lot going for me. I like the band name and the album title. “Trapped In a Shark Tank”. Not too bad.

The first song starts really awesome; cool sample, driving guitar and drums, some cool riffage on top of that. I was like oh man, reviewing albums people make is going to be the shit. Then the vocals came in… Oh they came in. There was something incredibly, I don’t know, whispery I believe is what I am looking for. Kind of ruined the whole band for me. But it was just not the vocals; the song in no way shape or form deserves almost 4 minutes. The music behind the singer is slightly catchy, well recorded, and kind of talented. Everyone is more than capable of playing their instrument, so that’s good.

Overall the lyrics suck balls. You can listen to any song on the album and find something worth ridiculing. “I Hate Myself” as a whole is excellent proof of that. “I hate you until the day you die, I fucking hate you until the day you die” Good one guys.

The second song on the album “Henry” is extremely confusing to me. What happened to the band that was making generic boring music? This song reminds me a lot of Dead to Me, or maybe The Flatliners at slow parts. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the Red Hot Chili Peppers use that exact same guitar riff on one of their songs that I don’t feel like looking up right now. Cause then I would have to listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. But as a whole the song is kind of cool.

I’d compare it to some other bands but just imagine any pop bank you have ever seen open for a good punk band. That is Laughing Gas. I guess the name is true. This album put me to sleep faster than Laughing Gas. The whisper choir boy style of the vocals really did not help me pay attention to this album. If the songs were cut in half, that would be way better. But they are not. Therefore forcing me to listen to a lot more un-original instrumental parts I really didn’t want to listen to. Seeing that “Wasteland” was over five minutes I refused to listen to it. I doubt I missed much.

2/5 Just because there are way worse bands out there. Extremely average. So many better things I could have done than listened to this. Like watch Lets Make a Deal. Now that’s entertainment, unlike Laughing Gas.

P.S. sorry there were not more dick jokes. I am still new here and working my way up to talking about eating assholes.

Additional thoughts from Sam:

I think D-Money really nailed this one, but I want to point one thing I noticed out, which was that the bass player does a whole lot for this band, not just in terms of adding something interesting to the sound, but also in making sure that the album has an abundance of Andriano-esque dick-waiving runs, which are fun. 

Retarded Muppet Farm - Thriller 2 (One day before Michael Jackson's death.)

This is just hysterical.

You guys know what you are all in for.

Expect some pop that sounds like it was written for church, but with lyrics that are offensive in a very subtle and funny way.

I suspect that one or both of the vocalists are very obese, as the vocals keep conjuring images of two fat sweaty dudes. Don't get me wrong, fat dudes have been know to make some pretty awesome music, but I'm just telling it like it is.

The vocals are the best part, even though they creep me the fuck out.

I dunno. It is just so over-the top, and clever in the way that it exploits the silliness of 80's pop. You guys are never going to fucking believe this shit. I can't even relate it. Oh my god it is funny. The inane noises that the vocalists occasionally make have nearly driven me to tears.

If this took effort to produce, then I am astonished, as I suspect that midi-thievery was the foundation of this whole thing.

Just...just listen to the first track. it's waaaaay funnier than Daniel Tosh.
Wow. Props dudes. I don't know what to give it. It's hilarious, but you guys know this shit fucking sucks. I will be showing it to all of my friends, though.

Just know that I really loved it for what it was.

1/5

Probably don't start drinking anything while listening.

Angry cry of the angry pie...

So, do you guys want a piece of me? Would you like to tear my music down? If you are up to the challenge, I'll post an album I finished this year, and by god, I'll post the best and most accurate insults you intrepid masochistic troubadours can come up with. In fact, I'll even laugh at your jokes. So, whatdo you think? Interested?

Covington - Snake EP (2011)

After a deliverance-esque intro with an acoustic guitar, Covington abandons all notions of the value of originality and delivers what I can only imagine is a collection of b-side metallica and u2 covers. The vocals are controlled, melodramatic, vague at times and uselessly devoid of interesting or moving sentiment at all times.

They do a really good job of making this stuff. It is just not as good as the shit on the radio, which is already shit, so this is like what you would get when a dog eats a turn and then makes a new one - a double turd or something.

I'm sure that dudes who are into nickleback can bob their heads to this, but all I can do is just wait for it to be over.

"I just want to feel you and be felt all the time"
That's what you get. Is it that fucking hard to write some lyrics that don't sound like fucking Katy Perry throwaways?



It's probably not worth your time,
but here it is.

Ready Room - Tact (2011)

Hey! Dudes from my good old home town. I was pretty certain that this was going to fucking blow when I saw that this release is also available in a remix version, which just made me laugh hysterically at the notion that anyone would ever fucking listen to a local band's remix album. It's just so fucking naive, that I almost felt sorry when I saw it, but instead I just cackled maniacally and rolled up my sleeves, ready to dig in and tear this band to pieces.

The Matt Skiba side project, Heavens, is what I thought about when I heard the first track, but these guys have black belts in being boring or something, because they totally excel at it.

Lead lines, boring, lyrics, just sparse and devoid of content in a way that makes me wish I was listening to A Perfect Circle or something fucking stupid like that, drums, if they aren't electronic, are ok, but the whole thing is just a fucking snooze fest. They should give away a free sleeping bag with every download, or start trying to push this album as an off label treatment for insomnia. In fact, they should have named the band Valium, which would have at least made it seem like it was their intent to induce drowsiness.

Though some interesting things happen in terms of instrumentation, especially in the second song, which has a really nice bridge and some really cool guitar work, the choice was made to avoid straying from the two chords the were being played at the beginning of the song, which makes the dudes look even worse, because not only is their release boring, but they might be too fucking stupid to realize that you just can't play the same fucking chords over and over again and not piss the listener off, or make him just dismiss the entire project, snap the cd in half, and never look back.

Blacktop Cadence comes to mind often, but only in a "this is like if blacktop cadence was terrible" sort of way.

It is interesting at points, dull at others, and just not that great, pretty much the whole time. I am underwhelmed to an unprecedented degree.

I can't even imagine how bad the fucking remix album is. Do these guys stare into the mirror while they masturbate, or isn't that just the most hilariously self-absorbed and arrogant thing that could be done? I'm a little bit appalled.

Here you go. Right here.

Foxtrot - Crimson (2011)

As a huge fan of 90's alternative, this album immediately appealed to me.

The gritty texture of the release is really pleasant, and though the structure is pretty standard, it is never boring, and I imagine that Foxtrot didn't really intentionally design these tunes with conventions in mind, as influence from Deathcab is pretty glaringly obvious, which I suspect had a large role in the writing of this stuff. But then again, maybe they just sit around and listen to Neil Diamond all day, who by the way, might have some of the shittiest albums out there, amongst the rest of the mediocre crap that isn't the hits.

Unfortunately, the lyrics are so bad, throughout, that any half-boner I might have had when the first song started playing slammed back into my body so hard that I probably have a vagina now. Yup, that's right. Kinda fitting, since these fellas are just insistent on being lazy pussies in writing lyrics. You had me, but now I'm never calling you for a second date, and later you find out that the number I gave you is actually the number for Pizza Hut, and you tried to flirt with the person who answered and totally embarrassed yourself when you found out you'd been duped. Yeah, you were TOTALLY embarrassed and humiliated, you bastards.

The second tune, as if in defiance of the strong showing from the dudes on guitars and drums, is full of really stupidly trite and easy lyrics, which are too insincere to continue taking any song on the album seriously, in regards to the integrity of the content.

The third song, which I stopped listening to half way through, is so fucking boring that I feel sorry for anyone who has sat through it live, though I would wager that everybody but the youth group that these dudes are apparently members of are outside smoking cigarettes during the majority of the set, possibly saying something about how the scene was waaay better when blah blah blah.

This is boring, despite its potential, which is even worse than just plain boring, since it pisses me off that it could have been good.

1.3/5

Pussy music right here.