Xebra

First and foremost i would like to shamelessly promote my new band Breakfast. Our first show is Friday at 222 Ormsby in Pittsburgh. Unlike the shitty bands we review, my band is going to kick down some proverbial doors tomorrow night. We are opening for Elway, who is a pretty sweet. John Elway threatened to sue them which is really funny. It is going to be a wonderful time for all in attendance.

Now lets get to business. Xebra does not know how to spell. I think they were going for zebra, which for those who do not know, is a mammal that lives in Africa. Xebra appears to be an animal that looks like douche bags and is native to Tallahassee. The E.P. is entitled ANIMALPRACTICE. I guess that must have something to do with xebras or zebras or douche bags or whatever.

The first song is almost 8 minutes of assorted noise. Nothing happens for the first five minutes than they speed it up and try to go into something that resembles melody. It sounded pretty cool for about 20 seconds then they hit bad notes and introduced stupid electronic noises. It is all instrumental and really annoying. This hardly constitutes music. It is somewhere between noise and ambient music.

The second song is titled "In the Park (punk)" and as they luckily pointed out for I would have never guessed, is a punk song. Surprisingly a pretty good song. Granted, vocals are blown out and kind of hard to listen to, but we will ignore that for the sake of this review. This song reminds me of Joyce Manor a little bit. It starts pretty fast and has a long half time, breakdown part at the end.

The third song sucks. Xebra decided to switch the sound from noise to punk to some kind of shitty Jet cover band or something like that. It has a lot of crappy guitar solos and the singer keeps talking bout the ladies.

The forth song starts off like a Vampire Weekend song, but the crappy vocals come in and it sounds like a shitty Doors live recording. The song has a classic blusey rock feel with spaced out vocals.

I take what I said about last song starting like Vampire Weekend. This song really does. It is kind of quirky. The singer isn't doing the spaced out thing, he is much more toned down and it is dramatically better. There is some keys and blusey guitar parts so once again it has the doors thing going on.

Overall the band is a Doors rip-off with some Jet and Vampire Weekend influences. If that last sentence described a band you want to listen to; you are a dildo. Xebra is real unorganized. Sometimes they make music, other times they do not. The constant switch of genres is annoying. I really wanted to compare them to a zebra but it is not just black and white here with Xebra.

Xebra was a lot like Zebra Stripe gum. IT was pretty cool for a hot minute, but once the flavor is gone you are left with poo poo that resembles gum. 1/5

Now if you want to listen to a good band, I will see you tomorrow dildos.

The Urethras?

For those of you who are not aware, this is what wikipedia would describe the urethra as. "In males, the urethra travels through the penis, and carries semen as well as urine. In females, the urethra is shorter and emerges above the vaginal opening."

This band would be my highschool ska band's best friend. Come see the Donkey Punchers and the Urethras at a church basement. Too bad we did not go to the same high school, we could have been bros, bro. They have their own website which is pretty impressive. The front page/only page is a picture of these three guys wearing ties and making goofy faces. They are without a doubt about as good looking as an urethra (zing!).

These tubes that carry jizz and piss are alright by me. The 15 year old me is writing this blog entry for the record. They are a poppy-alternative rock band. I immediately compared them to a less funky Cake. They are not that ska, but there is no doubt in my mind they love Reel Big Fish. The singer has a teenage, out of tune voice. It is dull and not very melodic, but it works well for what they are doing. Anytime he tries to hit a higher note I laughed. Its bad, yet funny.

Almost every song is mid tempo, with some fast talking. They have slow/fast parts. But it is a pretty steady record. Assuming of course these kids are pretty young, they are pretty good at their instruments. I can't hear the bass lines and that sucks. This band could use some bass to help it sound more solid.

Some of the songs are almost good, some of the songs are pretty bad. I got bored throughout the CD. Listening to the first song was fun; by the time I made to the last track i remembered why I am done playing goofy pop punk. This shit sucks. Well like its kind of cool cause i still think it is funny. And it is. Their name is what you PEE out of! Hilarious!

The lyrics coming from these kids are pretty good. A lot better than other people. My prime example comes from the song "So Ca$h"

"It is so much easier to sit around and stuff, when i just sit at home and jack off (semen comes out of the urethra, ZING!)" Good work guys. I can really feel the emotion he is trying to show right at that moment. So Ca$h is probably the best song on the album. Maybe because he talks about something that comes out of his urethra.

The band would be way better if every song was about urethri, which is the plural of urethra, not urethras. Remember how Hank Hill, in the popular television show King of the Hill, had a narrow urethra. They talked about that a lot. It was pretty funny. I wonder if these dildos in the Urethras have narrow urethri themselves. Just something to think about.

15 year old me gives these guys 3/5, But my band is totally better

20 year old me doesn't even care enough to rate them. They'll figure it out. Unless they are my age. In that case, you guys are faggots (no offense to the gays, i like the gays), stop being so fucking lame. You guys can suck on my fucking urethra (zing).

Leafer - Burkinafaso (2011)

Howdy, it’s Matt. I came for the music reviews, stayed for the dick jokes.

On to my first review:

Leafer does one of the best Wolf Parade impressions I’ve ever heard. That being said, there is certainly enough b-rate Spencer Krug-esque canadian indie in the world, especially after the release of Expo ’86.

From the start of their Burkinafaso EP, the bands intentions are very clear: piano-driven progressions with trebly guitar runs, slamming snare, and shaky vocals - circa early 00s Montreal. And I must say, they do this pretty cleanly. If there’s one thing to say about the band, it’s that they aren’t sloppy.

The EP's opener, Glowing Shapes, starts with pretty interesting organ/guitar work. The poppy groove is then interrupted by some circusy vocal melodies. After several listens, I am confident that the lead singer is none other than Count Chocula. (Why is he playing in a band whose name sounds like a lawn care service? I'm also really surprised General Mills gave him the time off to do guest vocals on an EP) Continuing on, the vocals go a lot of interesting places. Most notably, the shouty, quasi-emo points in the middle of Angry Jim and the shaky, Xiu Xiu style vocals during Lights. They even toss in an occasional verse in french to verify their residence in Quebec. Perhaps the variety of vocal styles is indicative of the singer's inability to decide which vocals are most appropriate for the music - given the options, I vote for the shaky ones. Ultimately, this smorgasbord indie vocal stylings becomes a little annoying. And don't try to pull that "its just experimental" shit. It doesn't apply.

The band manages to incorporate about 4 different variation of the same “oh-oh-oh” bridge into every song. They just do not know when to stop. Take the bridge that comes in at 1:10 in Glowing Shapes for example. I understand what you’re getting at bro, you don’t need to beat me over the head with it. If you have a part you like, make people want more of it.

The band is redeemed by their cohesion. Throughout the album, seemingly cacophonous combinations of styles manage to keep themselves in check. From noisy post rock progressions to dick-waving mariachi influenced breaks, it all works together pretty well. Leafer certainly has talent - decent vocals, well-written guitar and synth lines, and appropriate drumming. However, despite the bands ability to mix a few styles pretty flawlessly, it's hard to get excited about the music. Whether they're merely part of an extremely niche genre or unoriginal is often indistinguishable. I'm sure they could ghostwrite the next Spencer Krug album without anyone noticing.

If you bump into them, throw them a handy for good measure, they're pretty good musicians.

3.5/5

I wouldn’t choose to listen to this over other music, but if they were playing at a house party I could probably get into it. This rating started at a 2, but upon a few listens it climbed. I also couldn't justify giving these guys such low rating considering some of other ratings on here. They are eons away from shitty bands like Covington. Those guys really blow.

LINK

Deranged Youth

Over the weekend I was playing some music with a friend. We decided to switch instruments which meant me playing guitar. To say i suck balls at playing the guitar is an understatement. So we just played some shitty old school xPunk Rawkx. Whatever the fuck we effortlessly played was, oh, i don't know, 87 times better than Deranged Youth.

Their E.P. "Loud, Ugly, Broke," is a solid five songs coming in at like 6 minutes; which is usually a good sign. The drummer has no clue how to play drums. The guitar player likes metal too much for how much he wants to shred, the bass player is a punk bassist. The singer is alright. There has been much worse in the world of punk.

Every song is sloppy, fast, with some screaming. It sucks that if they tried almost a little they could at least be a decent shitty punk band. But they prefer to be a completely shitty punk band. I really do not feel it necessary to descriptively detail what a generic shitty trash punk band sounds like. It sounds exactly how you imagine it to be.

There is no doubt in my mind these kids must be like 14 (hence the Youth in Deranged Youth) so that makes them a little bit better. They will probably have an awesome punk album out in like 6 years so maybe watch out for that.

I was going to give Deranged Youth a 0/5 as soon as i heard the first song but at the end of the last song, after the music cuts out there is a fart noise. That is so awesome ill give it a 1/5. Nice fart bro.

Wizard Attack - You Can Beat a Dead Gift Horse To Water

Before any of you a-holes even think about complaining about the slow progress on reviews here, let me explain.

I had shit to do.

Anyway, thanks to Dylan, at least a few things got done around here the last two weeks, and to my continual astonishment, perhaps even eliciting some concern on my part, in regards to the tenacious and steadfastly masochistic nature of the persons responsible for submissions to this site, we are still getting emails from groups.



Seriously, have you guys read the blog?  For some fucking reason, there seems to be some confusion as to exactly what the goals of this here endeavor are.

Oh, I thought I might also announce that some dude who I can only assume is a member of the band Covington, has honored us with a review...for the blog itself.  We are proud to announce that Music Reviews by Sam has earned an "F", in blogging...I guess.

That dude should actually keep rolling with what he has going there, maybe create a blog that reviews other blogs.



In any case, here is a new one.


Ironically, from what can only be described as the worst named band and album of all time, we are presented with, perhaps, our most dick-slappingly legitimate submission to date.

In fact, these dudes have carried out an almost flawless execution of what must be an intentional heist.

In fact, it is as if Wizard Attack had intended all along to produce an ever so slightly less inspired adaptation of the Chicago math/punk band Colossal.

Here is the problem.  Neil Hennessey didn't just lay down the most intricate and talented drum tracks of the modern era on Colossal's last two albums for the express purpose of simplifying the process of musical plagiarism.   He's just too fucking good to copy. 

So right off the bat, I am immediately inclined to experience disappointment, because the shit is at once fucking obviously similar and easily identified as an inferior musical doppelganger that sounds just enough like the real deal that I am immediately aware of the similar properties, but is just not--ahhhh. It's not as good as fucking Colossal, which sucks a colossal dick, because this is a genuinely interesting album in terms of both aesthetics and literary value.

Oh, yeah, I should mention that there is a hefty and healthy dose of Braid interwoven in this shit.  It's super cool, but let me elaborate.

The lyrics are very good.  Spooky good, at times.

"Never knew what love was, till I saw you people tonight, you came out in such numbers; hit the floods; it's a beautiful sight."

The mother fucker writing the lyrics has a strong grasp of exactly how to tickle my gooch just like I like, in terms of presenting a moving narrative strongly founded on the keen and stark perspective of an individual rocked by the throws of the human condition, pristine in it's integrity, which makes it so easy to identify with and relate to.

Good content, awesome leads.  AHHH.  It's great.

Just download this fucking shit, and maybe if you feel like pissing off your dad, throw these guys a fucking Beej, cause they maybe deserve one.

It rocks.  CLICK

Oh Yeah.  BTW 5/5.  Being worse than colossal is not the worst thing that can be said about any band, since they are like the fucking kings of the goddamn jungle of punk rock and mathy whateverness.  But, yeah.

Earth Bound

Earthbound is a pretty good Strike Anywhere song. Earth Bound is a pretty bad high school metal band. See the difference. I did not. I was under the impression that someone wanted me to review Earthbound by Strike Anywhere (It's fast, tough, and one of the best songs on To Live In Discontent 4/5). I listened to their first song and it sucked then i decided to listen to Strike Anywhere. I can already tell you that Strike Anywhere is really good. Fuck, I mean Earthbound sucks.

First off, the guy that sent us the e-mail was very nice. He said he was having trouble getting his stuff reviewed and I can see why. Earth Bound has four songs on their Facebook page and about one hundred more likes than my band which is incredibly depressing. Have you guys looked at that yet? Click on my (Dylan) picture and go listen to my band. It is without a doubt better than anything reviewed on this blog. You can go ahead and tell me how awesome it is if you so wish.

Ok, Earth bound's songs are extremely long. Facebook's music player doesn't say how long but they feel like an eternity. They all have stupid names and in the corner of the player there is a series of metally pictures. Black and red ominous spirals, Robots, Dragons; you get the point. From what i have gathered there is two singers, or a guy that can change his voice pretty well. They have synth and guitar effects at parts and that is really, really terrible. The bass player is there to hit strictly low notes. He makes boom. The drummer is ok. I heard nothing good nor bad come from him.

This is any metal band that have you seen at a high school battle of the bands. Extremely long songs, showing that they can not distinguish between anything that sounds good or bad. Synth that plays a lot of garbage and should just not be in the band at all. He is probably a dick anyway. Anyone I know who plays synth kind of sucks.

The first song on their Facebook is called Volvagia. For those who are confused. Volvagia is not something women use to clean out their vagina's. It is actually Spanish for "Captain of the Heart." The song starts alright. The guys are shredding. There is a cool guitar line and its not bad. The guy screaming is doing a pretty good job. It is almost surprisingly good hardcore. I doubt they were trying for it, but it is not that bad. A little bit of the second song, Dark Falz, which is Spanish for "Pop Tarts," sounds like an adolescents song but with a really shitty lead line over it. They have lots of guitar effects and slow dragged out "jams". The last song "D ert," which is French for "The jacket," is a 528 minute instrumental bass and synth jam.

I can not tell if it was better or worse than the other songs. On one hand i could ignore it pretty easily. On the other hand when I did listen to it was just god awful.

Earthbound by Strike Anywhere 4/5

Earth bound that band on Facebook 1/5

The guy also said that they were getting ready to record their e.p. which has more of a prog/post-rock feel. I am really excited to here that. The only genre i like more that post-rock is actually prog/post-rock

Waterparks

Hello many readers we have accumulated over the many years of blog-tastic music reviews. Today we will be focusing on the rock super-group Waterparks. As one can imagine this is arguably the funnest post we have ever done. Fact: nothing is funner than a water park. Duh.

I am glad the band Waterparks decided to email us two whole times therefore catching my attention. They only have one song and that is a crime. Waterparks is by far the best band to come under our radar here at Music reviews by Sam.

The only track they have "Silver," is not so much silver and more so gold. The singer has a really awesome nasily style of vocals and he just lets them flail throughout the whole song. Sometimes he lets out a kick ass scream at the end of a verse that shreds. The guitar has got some real cool effects at times and that is really sweet. The drummer is just a fucking machine. There is one of the coolest keyboard bridges the world has ever seen. The song is the catchiest song I have heard in so long.

The lyrics to this song are really impressive. The song just has a mega-chorus, "I'll be the silver lining around your fence. Used to protect yourself from all the world. And it's sharp teeth because my open hand and heart think you belong." They also use the word "fighting" not once, not twice, not three times, not four times,.... Yes you guessed it 20 times!!!

Imagine the baby of every awesome pop punk band. Waterparks should be headlining that Pop Punk's Not Dead Tour. Like a bad ass Motion City Soundtrack mixed with The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' good stuff.

Just kidding Waterparks sucked balls 1/5. Keep em coming.